Savage Love Letter of the Day: Help Me Find The Words squib

by Dan Savage


I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We live together and I can see spending the rest of my life with him. For the first six months we dated he was unemployed, which meant he had tons of time and energy to please me sexually. We were having sex 4-6 times a week and I've never been more fulfilled. Inevitably he got a job; that and this now being a LTR means the amount of sex we have has naturally dipped—now I'm lucky to get it twice a week. In order to solve this problem and meet my bisexual needs, I talked to him about me seeing women on the side. He agreed and I've had a couple of great experiences, but finding a steady sexual friendship in the bi/lesbian community has proven to be difficult. I continue to get on the apps and look, but in the meantime I'm not fulfilled. Making the situation even more complicated is my friendships with a couple of men that could easily develop into fuck buddy relationships. They're there and waiting to help me meet my needs without an expectation of anything more. I can't find the words to express this to my boyfriend. He's also friends with these men and I don't want to make things awkward between them. I want an open relationship where we can both be with anyone we want. He says I'm all he needs and wants even though I've given him permission to go outside the relationship which makes me feel selfish for wanting more, but it's also just a fact that we have mismatched libidos. I can't seem to find the words to get what I want. Help, Dan!

Tongue Tied

Here you go, TT...


Mary and Larry are laying in the queen size bed. The sheets are rumpled and both Mary and Larry look flushed. Larry is wrapping a used condom up inside a tissue as Mary wraps the cord around her Hitachi Magic Wand. Larry is listening intently as Mary speaks. He has a concerned look on his face. Mary chose this moment, immediately after sex, to broach a sensitive subject about the future of their relationship.

So what is it you want then?

I want an open relationship where we can both be with anyone we want.


Within reason, of course. I don't want you sleeping with my sister.

Um, well, I can't say that I'm—

Wait. Let me get this off my chest—I've been wanting to say this for a while, and I've been turning it over in my head, and it would be great if you could just let me get this all out before you respond, okay?


I love you and I want to be with you and I can see us spending the rest of our lives together. But I've come to realize that the freedom to sleep with other people—within reason—isn't something I can compromise on. Now I don't want you to do anything or anyone you don't want to, of course, and if you don't want to sleep with other people, you don't have to. There are open relationships out there where one person has sex with other people and the other person doesn't. If both people are happy, if both people are getting what they need, that's all that matters. But I have to be honest with you, honey, you aren't all I need. No one ever has been or could be. That's just how I'm wired.


I'm sorry. But I want us to have a completely honest discussion about what each of us wants as individuals and how or whether we work together as a couple. If you're content having sex only with me, that's great. I want you to be happy and I want to have as much sex with you as I can. And the sex we have is great—the sex just had was great. But I'm not content only having sex with you and the accommodation we've made for outside sex—I can have sex with other women—isn't working for me. It doesn't make me happy. I want to be able to sleep with other men too. If me sleeping with other men makes you miserable, we may need to part. Because I don't want to make you miserable. I want you to be happy even if that means you need to be with someone else. But if me sleeping with other people—women and men—doesn't bother you, if it doesn't result in you feeling any less content, then we can make this work. But I don't want you to agree to the kind of openness I'm proposing just to keep me—it won't work if you're doing it under duress. It has to be what you want too. If it's not what you want, then I'm not what you want.

[after a pause] Are you done?

I am.

[The boyfriend playing Larry will improvise his response to the above.]

Pro tip: don't fuck your boyfriend's friends. Unless he's a cuckold who gets off on the idea of his girlfriend or wife fucking his friends, don't fuck your boyfriend's friends. It's reasonable to expect that fucking his friends will make things awkward between them, TT, so it's unreasonable to suggest making fuckbuddies of his friends. There are billions of guys on the planet who aren't his friends; if your boyfriend wants what you want, TT, make fuckbuddies out of some of them.

Good luck.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at!

Tickets to HUMP 2018 are on sale now! Get them here!

[ Comment on this story ]

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Scroll for more
Continue reading on The Stranger...